December 27, 2011
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Originally I had this grandiose idea about how I was going to disparage the Boston Celtics’ effort on Christmas day, but seeing as I’m in the holiday spirit (yeah, not really) I’ll show a little restraint. Instead we’ll be focusing on the reality and pragmatism of being a superhero! There are two types of superheroes, relatable and unrelatable… and perhaps a third, if you count my brother’s ability to clear out a room with a single fart – but that’s a discussion for another time. Unrelatable is Superman.
* The guy is stuck in a dead end job, yet he has no financial trouble of any kind.
* The most brilliant people on the planet are completely baffled by a disguise comprised solely of glasses.
* He has no relationship issues to speak of.
* His childhood wasn’t awkward.
* He was an astronaut at birth and his biological parents were negligent NASA scientists.
* He’s afraid of green rocks.How the hell can anyone relate to that?! I’m sure if you were braindamaged and led to believe he was your sibling, you could possibly relate to that… but I can’t imagine any other way. Relatable is Spiderman.
* Like Superman, he’s an ‘orphan’; unlike Superman, being an orphan is not considered “cool.”
* He has relationship issues; even the audience laughs at him.
* He wears glasses but does not get the same benefit of the doubt… it just means he’s a nerd.
* Morally confused enough to allow a burglar to escape and make his Uncle into some kind of post modern street decoration.
* Money problems; the kid is dirt poor… someone get him a sandwich.
* Can’t afford insect repellent, due to previous point… so he gets bit by yucky spiders.Who can’t relate to that? we ALL have money or relationship problems… or both. Some of us are morally confused. In fact, just a minute ago I had to debate whether or not to put the toilet seat down. I left it up. You might think that’s wrong of me but lets face it, most of you are grouped along with me. Yeah, YOU… the same kind of people who’s willing to take the last damn drop of coffee and not make a new pot. Didn’t think I’d notice, eh? Or perhaps your co-workers, the ones who do the minimal amount of work necessary to seem busy while relying on you to complete everything they didn’t. Do you really believe there are enough altruistic people to have even one superhero? God forbid there is actually more than one and they happen to form a league of extraordinary upstanding social models.
Costumes are a major downfall of superheroes. Who looks good in spandex? nobody, that’s who! We all have some kind of insecurity about our own bodies, I’ll bet if superheroes were wearing spandex… those unflattering body parts will get laughed at harder than the Star Wars kid.
Yeah… pretty difficult to watch on its own. I don’t even want to think what he would look like with spandex on. So lets say you look like Tony Stark and Bruce Wayne paid for your cosmetic surgery and no amount of spandex looks bad on you… where the hell would you even find crime? Unless you’re tapping into every security camera in the world (which itself is a crime, so you’d presumably have to start with kicking your own ass), you’re just not going to find any roaming around the 7-11 parking lot all night. Maybe you drip Red Bull directly into your brain so you can scour the streets in search of, at the very least to make your time worthwhile, henchmen… are their crimes sufficient enough to warrant a brutal attack? Most criminals are first time non-violent offenders, generally misdemeanors, do they deserve the six pack of whoop ass you’re going to unleash on them? probably not. Not to mention that in the modern era, many of these crimes are intitated online. Am I led to believe superheroes have enough time to patrol both the streets and all the forums online. Get real, I can’t even watch enough youtube videoes each day to figure out which bullies deserve a beatdown…
The world is well lit. Even if you found someone commiting a crime, they’d spot your spandex butt from a mile away. If the career criminal hasn’t spot you by now, some nosy little brat would undoubtly point you out in a group of people and you’d lose the element of surprise. You could chase after him but the amount of energy you’d have to expend just to catch up to him would mean you’d be slim pickings for a career criminal. Unless you packed a utility belt full of steroids, you’ll be nursing a bruised super ego rather quickly. Then, through sheer determination and super stupidity, you opt to go out the following night to fight crime… before your old wounds have even healed. Because we all know crime doesn’t take a day off. Not on a holiday, not on your birthday… and certainly not while you’re taking a 2 hour super shit.
I’d like to mention I’m being overly optimistic (if you can’t tell). If you even end up fighting more than one crime without dying, I’d be pleasantly surprised. Chances are, and it’s highly likely it would occur, by the time you stop a real criminal, strike your incredible pose, recite your witty comment… you’d have been shot. More than once. While you’re lying in a pool of heroism (aka blood) watching the hooligans make off with merchandise, you’re secretly wishing you had installed a distress beacon somewhere that doesn’t show on the spandex (re: butt cheeks). Yeah, not the most appealing way to go.
It’s getting rather late and while I intended to write a little more, that’s quite enough positive thinking post-Christmas.
