September 26, 2009

• Weekend Finale

  We’re coming towards the conclusion of my vacation, so I’ve probably got another one or two opportunities with which to spill the beans and say what I think and not think what I say.

  In this wonderful world that we reside in, it has become blatantly apparent to me that there exists two types of people in the world: the bright and attractive people like yourself reading this… and the 6 some odd billion other idiots (source) that roam freely and often get in our way. Obviously we’re outnumbered. Since it’s never a good idea to call the majority of people you meet daily ‘idiots’, we’ve long adapted and learned that we can use other terms to avoid teenage colloquialisms that initiate confrontation. Example:

  “Don’t get the impression that you arouse my anger. You see, one can only be angry with those he respects.” – Richard Nixon

  It is imperative to learn a multitude of ways to deal with these idiots with both grace and tact, especially if you’re not already surrounded with idiots… chances are you will be soon. New ones are being born every minute, despite the complexity involved in breeding. Frankly, much of the procreation process of idiots happens purely by accident when the two of them are trying to do something complicated – like jump start a car- and they suddenly get confused. Like a scene straight out of Idiocracy, whatever causes these idiots to breed like jack rabbits – and I truly do not want to know – rest assured, it’s safe to assume there will be more of it. Perhaps it’s the deadly combination idiots, electricity and sex.

  You could offer candy to these idiots and lull them into your car, thereby avoiding the first scenario – but any benefits of car pooling are quickly negated when they attempt conversation. To further compound matters, if you arrive at your destination, leave them in the car and accidentally forget to crack the window open… they’ll die. No amount of lemon scented car fresheners are going to get rid of that smell.

  So I recommend we harness the stupidity of these idiots for our own financial gain. Which at first glance seems incredibly easy, since we’re the uninitiated members of MENSA while they’re just sheep without a shepherd. In order to take advantage of these idiots, we need to be able to anticipate their moves well in advance. This can be deceptively difficult as the average idiot does not anticipate their own moves in advance. If you were to ask the average idiot about his plans, he’d say he has no plans. But… if you yank out his audio system from his Civic or Corolla and repeatedly smashed him over the head with it, you could make him confess that he has some plans, even if those plans are not very exciting or intelligent.

  Clearly, with a world full of complete idiots who have no goals… most of the things that happen in the future will not be the result of good planning. With all those micro transactions of decisions like an avalanche on top of our own, that makes the future incredibly difficult to predict. That’s why you need to be able to politely tell (a.k.a. insult) people that you’re leveraging their unique talents in a way that will synergistically offset their admirable work ethic – making any menial task seem complex, no matter how minute.

  • 6:00 am
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