Funny article from The Onion written back in 04' essentially predicting what Gillette would eventually release as a response to its competitor. (original article source here)

By James M. Kilts
CEO and President,
The Gillette Company
February 18, 2004 | Issue 40•07

 

Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we scared? Hell, no. Because we hit back with a little thing called the Mach3Turbo. That's three blades and an aloe strip. For moisture. But you know what happened next? Shut up, I'm telling you what happened—the bastards went to four blades. Now we're standing around with our cocks in our hands, selling three blades and a strip. Moisture or no, suddenly we're the chumps. Well, fuck it. We're going to five blades.

Sure, we could go to four blades next, like the competition. That seems like the logical thing to do. After all, three worked out pretty well, and four is the next number after three. So let's play it safe. Let's make a thicker aloe strip and call it the Mach3SuperTurbo. Why innovate when we can follow? Oh, I know why: Because we're a business, that's why!

You think it's crazy? It is crazy. But I don't give a shit. From now on, we're the ones who have the edge in the multi-blade game. Are they the best a man can get? Fuck, no. Gillette is the best a man can get.

What part of this don't you understand? If two blades is good, and three blades is better, obviously five blades would make us the best fucking razor that ever existed. Comprende? We didn't claw our way to the top of the razor game by clinging to the two-blade industry standard. We got here by taking chances. Well, five blades is the biggest chance of all.

Here's the report from Engineering. Someone put it in the bathroom: I want to wipe my ass with it. They don't tell me what to invent—I tell them. And I'm telling them to stick two more blades in there. I don't care how. Make the blades so thin they're invisible. Put some on the handle. I don't care if they have to cram the fifth blade in perpendicular to the other four, just do it!

You're taking the "safety" part of "safety razor" too literally, grandma. Cut the strings and soar. Let's hit it. Let's roll. This is our chance to make razor history. Let's dream big. All you have to do is say that five blades can happen, and it will happen. If you aren't on board, then fuck you. And if you're on the board, then fuck you and your father. Hey, if I'm the only one who'll take risks, I'm sure as hell happy to hog all the glory when the five-blade razor becomes the shaving tool for the U.S. of "this is how we shave now" A.

People said we couldn't go to three. It'll cost a fortune to manufacture, they said. Well, we did it. Now some egghead in a lab is screaming "Five's crazy?" Well, perhaps he'd be more comfortable in the labs at Norelco, working on fucking electrics. Rotary blades, my white ass!

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we should just ride in Bic's wake and make pens. Ha! Not on your fucking life! The day I shadow a penny-ante outfit like Bic is the day I leave the razor game for good, and that won't happen until the day I die!

The market? Listen, we make the market. All we have to do is put her out there with a little jingle. It's as easy as, "Hey, shaving with anything less than five blades is like scraping your beard off with a dull hatchet." Or "You'll be so smooth, I could snort lines off of your chin." Try "Your neck is going to be so friggin' soft, someone's gonna walk up and tie a goddamn Cub Scout kerchief under it."

I know what you're thinking now: What'll people say? Mew mew mew. Oh, no, what will people say?! Grow the fuck up. When you're on top, people talk. That's the price you pay for being on top. Which Gillette is, always has been, and forever shall be, Amen, five blades, sweet Jesus in heaven.

Stop. I just had a stroke of genius. Are you ready? Open your mouth, baby birds, cause Mama's about to drop you one sweet, fat nightcrawler. Here she comes: Put another aloe strip on that fucker, too. That's right. Five blades, two strips, and make the second one lather. You heard me—the second strip lathers. It's a whole new way to think about shaving. Don't question it. Don't say a word. Just key the music, and call the chorus girls, because we're on the edge—the razor's edge—and I feel like dancing.

We're coming towards the conclusion of my vacation, so I've probably got another one or two opportunities with which to spill the beans and say what I think and not think what I say.

In this wonderful world that we reside in, it has become blatantly apparent to me that there exists two types of people in the world: the bright and attractive people like yourself reading this... and the 6 some odd billion other idiots (source) that roam freely and often get in our way. Obviously we're outnumbered. Since it's never a good idea to call the majority of people you meet daily 'idiots', we've long adapted and learned that we can use other terms to avoid teenage colloquialisms that initiate confrontation. Example:

"Don't get the impression that you arouse my anger. You see, one can only be angry with those he respects." - Richard Nixon

It is imperative to learn a multitude of ways to deal with these idiots with both grace and tact, especially if you're not already surrounded with idiots... chances are you will be soon. New ones are being born every minute, despite the complexity involved in breeding. Frankly, much of the procreation process of idiots happens purely by accident when the two of them are trying to do something complicated - like jump start a car- and they suddenly get confused. Like a scene straight out of Idiocracy, whatever causes these idiots to breed like jack rabbits - and I truly do not want to know - rest assured, it's safe to assume there will be more of it. Perhaps it's the deadly combination idiots, electricity and sex.

You could offer candy to these idiots and lull them into your car, thereby avoiding the first scenario - but any benefits of car pooling are quickly negated when they attempt conversation. To further compound matters, if you arrive at your destination, leave them in the car and accidentally forget to crack the window open... they'll die. No amount of lemon scented car fresheners are going to get rid of that smell.

So I recommend we harness the stupidity of these idiots for our own financial gain. Which at first glance seems incredibly easy, since we're the uninitiated members of MENSA while they're just sheep without a shepherd. In order to take advantage of these idiots, we need to be able to anticipate their moves well in advance. This can be deceptively difficult as the average idiot does not anticipate their own moves in advance. If you were to ask the average idiot about his plans, he'd say he has no plans. But... if you yank out his audio system from his Civic or Corolla and repeatedly smashed him over the head with it, you could make him confess that he has some plans, even if those plans are not very exciting or intelligent.

Clearly, with a world full of complete idiots who have no goals... most of the things that happen in the future will not be the result of good planning. With all those micro transactions of decisions like an avalanche on top of our own, that makes the future incredibly difficult to predict. That's why you need to be able to politely tell (a.k.a. insult) people that you're leveraging their unique talents in a way that will synergistically offset their admirable work ethic - making any menial task seem complex, no matter how minute.

It's 430am and I have nothing better to do. Seeing as I haven't written anything substiantial in recent memory, I thought I would give it a go. However, instead of boring you with epic paragraphs of biblical proportions - I'll just use list format and keep them in bite size nuggets that you can just pop in your brain.

Reasons why (real) Men drive stick...

10. Control. I don't care how smart your smart car is because it's fucking stupid. Despite what engineers tell you, modern vehicles are not smart and really have no idea when to shift. They often hold the wrong gear, up or down shift at the wrong time or ignore your demands... and lets face it, Men like to be in control. We need that feeling of immediate throttle response more than you need that next twinkie fix.

9. Lingo. When you drive stick, people automatically assume you know more about cars than you really do. It's a scientific fact. Even when you don't know your steering wheel from your oil filter - as long as you're amongst other automotively challenged folk while impatiently sitting behind a glacier-like vehicle, you can yell out obnoxious terms with annoyed confidence that the driver in front of you is "granny-shifting and not double-clutching like he should." There is a good chance you sound really cool. Dare I say... manly, even. After a round of high fives and chest bumps (how you do that within a car, I'll let you figure it out), you go back to cursing at all other cars around you. Don't forget to take note of gender and ethnicity, which is crucial for laughing at.

8. We put the MAN in Manual. You can't say manual without first over emphasizing MAN. Don't put too much emphasis on it though or others might think you're secretly thinking about the neighbor's pool boy. At the heart of manual transmission is the term 'stick' and nothing that has a stick is ever not manly. I'll prove it to you, next time find a large stick and wave it at your friends... see them run away cowardly as you project your testosterone all over their fleeing behinds. Need further proof? automatic transmissions were made for your grandmothers. The term 'slushbox' instantly conjures up images of dried prunes and oatmeal. Nothing manly about that.

7. Multi-tasking. Driving a manual transmission proves you're smart enough to do more than one thing at a time; women instinctly translate that to you being fucking awesome in bed. Some idiots can't even leave Starbucks walking and sipping on their Chai Latte without looking like they escaped from a mental institution. We as a society respect those who can do more than one thing at a time -- especially if they can do those things well. Men who excel at performing multiple, complex motor movements at one time, such as professional athletes, often enjoy an almost godlike status. Shifting a car manually is really quite complex. The process of changing gears involves releasing the gas with the right foot, depressing the clutch with the left foot, using your right hand to select a different gear, then simultaneously releasing the clutch as you press down on the gas -- hoping to engage the clutch and throttle at a very specific “sweet spot” that varies from car to car. The challenge only increases when trying to do things like start from a standstill on a hill. Being good at driving a manual car may not lead to a life showered in money and women, but we can bet that every professional racecar driver knows how to drive a stick.

6. Drift. Some people merely see it as kids stepping on the gas pedal and doing donuts in the parking lot. But, do you have any idea how much skill it takes to drive sideways at ninety miles per hour down a moutain pass? It's the most extreme form of control you can find... unless you suffer from premature ejaculation, in which case driving stick is the least of your worries. I could probably spend a few moments and explain things like 'clutch kick', 'feint' or 'power-over' but I'd only be wasting my time. Just go watch someone drift and you'll hear that tach/engine bouncing off the rev limiter in mid-drift as it stays in the power band. Automatic vehicles would cut your fun (and your manhood) short by shifting up and killing your power.

5. Finesse. If you thought hair products... just get the fuck out of here. I'm talking about techniques such as heel-toe maneuver, considered by many to be the elite of man-dom. Even a bald person sporting a baby penis with a flat chest girlfriend with no ass can look cooler than a ten pound bag of bird shit using heel-toe, since they can downshift, rev match and brake all at the same time. This technique will have the driver operate the clutch normally with the left foot. The ball of the right foot will be on the brake, slowing the car down, while at the same time the heel of the right foot will “blip” the throttle during the gear change, matching the engine speed to the wheel speed. Not only does this technique help keep the engine in the desired powerband, it reduces drivetrain jolt, greatly reducing wear and tear on the transmission. So important is this technique that many new sport-tuned cars will automatically blip the throttle on every downshift. Right now this automatic blipping is seen mostly on regular or dual-clutch-equipped automatic transmissions. The new Nissan 370Z introduced an automatic rev-matching mode for even the manual transmission-equipped cars.

4. Better fuel economy. We know that eco-warriordom at its core is the antitheses of manliness, but perhaps not all things eco-friendly are for wusses. Manual transmissions have historically been more energy efficient than traditional automatic transmissions, and a quick look at EPA numbers will show that a manual version of a car can get 1 to 2 more miles per gallon than its identical automatic-equipped sibling. “Green” is trendy right now, and that means that all the ladies (especially the attractive ones) are doing what they can to project a “green” image. Play your cards right and the ladies will be all over you when you tell them that your manual Jeep Compass gets several mpg more on the highway than the automatic version.

3. You'll never look like a "chump ass faggot munching slut tard." Some of you have been there before. Your buddy picks you up and you're out having a great time, you pick up some ladies (or dudes if that's your thing) and somehow your douchebag buddy gets shit-faced and can't drive. . Imagine how emasculated you’d feel if you got to your friend’s car, ladies in tow, and had to explain to them that you couldn’t help them out because you just now realized your friend’s car is a stick, and you never learned how to drive one. Real men have never experienced such embarrassment, and luckily enough, neither have I. So don't be a chump ass faggot munching slut tard... save yourself the embarassment.

2. Sticks are fast. Having full control over a car has its advantages. Take a car out for a spirited drive and you’ll find that, when the engine is in a certain rpm range, it just feels alive. This is the “sweet spot” of the engine’s powerband, and it typically signifies the point in the powerband when the power curve starts to get a bit more aggressive. With a manual transmission car, you can find exactly where this sweet spot is and keep the car there. For example, let’s say the sweet spot for your car’s engine starts at 5,000 rpm and ends at 8,000 rpm. Most manual transmissions will let you stay in this sweet spot, meaning that if you shift up at 8,000 rpm, the engine speed won’t fall below 5,000 rpm. You stay in the sweet spot of the powerband. Connect this same motor to an automatic transmission and you’d never see this sweet spot; the car will shift up before you ever get there. Should you somehow get the engine to actually reach that magic point in the rev band, the auto box would quickly shift up and kill the power. This helps boost EPA numbers, but results in a car that can put your grandma to sleep. Real men don't drive cars that can double as sedatives.

And the number 1 reason is: Women like a guy whose good with his hands. It takes a decent degree of skill to drive a manual well... and women can appreciate that, especially if you've tried teaching them. I know plenty of girls who couldn't get out of a driveway after a few hours of trying... then you hop in and save the day. You show her you can shift the car without giving her whiplash and she'll want to see what other skills you have.

Learn it... otherwise, you're a fag.

Bored while playing Street Fighter IV on PC
I think I'd buy WAY more games if it didn't come with Securom.

After watching Floyd Mayweather Jr dismantle Juan Manuel Marquez, I have no doubt in my mind that Money-man is going to destroy Pac-man (Manny Pacquiao). His lightning quick jab is without a doubt unstoppable. His feathery footwork mixed with unorthodox, ninja turtle style head bobbing behind his shoulder is an absolute defense and his relaxed ring attitude is just too much.

The face of defeat.

Introducing.... victim #41.

Reporters spot Pacquiao and Freddie Roach after the fight...

Years later, the aftermath is still felt.

Before I get to that, some random pictures... what, you didn't think I was just going to let you see them pictures, did you? Oh you did! that's cute.

Didn't take a lot of pictures, just the un-boxing of Gigabyte EP45-UD3P. The rest just slipped my mind.

NOBODY LIKE EYECANDY!

Would've made a nice picture if there weren't a million power lines.

I think the right side is some sort of shark... or maybe Cobra propaganda for GI JOE
(*Edit* staring at the enlarged picture, esp. the right side, made me dizzy... I think the picture owned me)

Warning: Contains 100% pure colombian cocaine.

I know, can you believe it... the first thing I saw today. Thought I was going to die.

Dammit Zeus, less light!

I think that was from the lowest deck

I'll bet Tom Hanks wished he saw that in Castaway

At this point, I felt a tingle in my left leg... am I becoming a pirate?

Poseidon!!

Filler... cause they can't all be winners now, can they.

1999~2001 (-2009 and counting)

Sure, Napster is still around but it's been effectively dead since 2001 when the service was shut down by court order. It was the father of modern day peer-to-peer filesharing, though it owes much of its roots to IRC, Hotline and Usenet.

You know what, we should thank the RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) because without their tireless efforts, litigation and fear or technology, thus shutting down Napster, it would've never given birth to the next generation that evolved into massively persistent anonymous swarming of seeds and leeches known as BitTorrent. RIAA should've handled Napster with a lot more care instead of crushing the pioneer. We all owe a debt of gratitude for their efforts to destory Napster because that effort was mirrored by the file sharing community to create the many improved replacements available today.